January brings so much promise and hope for the future. Turning a calendar page of a new year generates an exciting expectation that might not happen on any other month of the year.
2023 will be better than the past three years and I feel certain because… it has to be. I am open for change, harmony, honesty, and a deep dive in personal growth. But as the days lead to January 4th, I become unnervingly shaken. It happens to me every year, roaring its ugly head of sadness and longing.
I feel it.
My mother’s birthday is today. She should be celebrating her 90th birthday today. She should be surrounded by loving family and dear friends singing “Happy Birthday” and showering her with adoration and joy. But sadly, this wonderful milestone is like many of the others…silent.
I lost my mother 25 years ago.
Writing that down, sharing that fact, causes in me a rumbling earthquake. I want to forget, I want to let life move on and focus on what is here and now….but today I am reminded of her sweet, unconditional love. My mother would have stopped the surf from swallowing me, she would have crossed the desert in order to provide water and safety, and she ultimately lost her life absorbing all of the emotional heartache that is my family.
We are broken.
My mother believed that I would survive the aching tragedy of dysfunction. And despite its ugly head from rearing sometimes, I want to prove to her that her desire for my survival can come true.
Here I sit.
Alive and well.
Trying to understand the sadness.
I remain sad beyond measure at this day and all of the circumstances surrounding it, but also determined to accept the unknown future. Whatever the future brings, I will endure with the knowledge my mother continues to stand beside me, loving me unconditionally.
What else could a person hope for in a new year?
Sun Kil Moon’s song, “I Can’t Live Without My Mother’s Love”, is everything to me today. I listen to it often, and blogged about it several years ago (HERE). Music continues to be my salve, and provides a tender mending to the broken parts of my heart.
Time is so fleeting, if your Mama is anywhere near, please go and hug her for me.
Happy Birthday, to my dear, sweet momma.