True confessions….Something just isn’t right.
I can’t put my finger on it, but I am off kilter and I am not really trying to get myself upright and steady. I wonder why? I am distracted, frustrated, and maybe a little lost. What is this all about?
Maybe it is due to the change in the seasons, maybe I am absentmindedly taking care of everyone and everything but myself, or maybe I am just in a weird funk. I want to get out of it, but I don’t seem to have the energy or stamina to try. I either need a kick in the pants, or a shrink, or Mom.
Yea, there’s that. I need my Mom.
Those words ring true the most, when I feel like I do. I call out to her in my mind, but she can’t answer me because she is already gone. Tragically, she left me well over a decade ago. I just recently visited her grave and was struck with the damning evidence of all those years, as I subtracted the last date on her grave from 2015. Too many years, too many tears, but it seems like yesterday. I know it is cliche, but it is true. I vividly remember talking to her daily, deeply, and lovingly. The shocking result was always that she loved me no matter what…no matter what. Her listening ear, her reassuring smile, and her warm hugs always made me feel better.
I thought I was done with my grieving, but visiting her grave makes me unsteady, and reminds me how fragile I am. I seek that love. You know, the “putting me first”, Mom way of love.
No one prepares you for the lost feeling of losing someone who listened to your every word with interest, who knew all the right questions to ask of you, who didn’t have to talk about the silly superficial small talk. My Mom always seemed to get to the heart of the matter. Life, love, politics, hurt, friendships, activities, fears, accomplishments, society, the world, and the future…you get the picture.
I miss her, today.
I couldn’t share all of my fears and troubles with her, but the idea of me having a thoughtful conversation with her right now somewhat settles my mind. Typing my sadness in this blog and listening to music is beginning to release my unsteadiness.
I have changed songs for today, many times over….but I believe I have finally found the perfect one for me, and maybe as you listen, you will recognize its beauty as it relates to your own journey. Perhaps it will center you, as it does me.
Jill Andrews-Get Up, Get On
Before going out on her own, Jill Andrews, was a part of an Americana band, the Everybodyfields. Touring all over and three albums later, they parted and Jill began her solo career. The song, “Get Up, Get On”, is the lead track from her newest (but not her first) solo album, The War Inside. Everything about her voice penetrates my soul. She has toured with the Avett Brothers, and has featured music on Grey’s Anatomy and Nashville. She has a host of tour dates all over from now until the end of the year. Check it out, Jill Andrews Tour.
As I listen for the hundredth time and am repeatedly moved by this song, an odd moisture fills my eyes and spills over my lower lashes to my cheeks. It feels good to be sentimental, serious, and forgive myself for now.
Today or any other day, I am not perfect, but simply good enough. Now, I need to get up, and get on.